Have you noticed that there seems to have been a real sea change in attitudes towards women masturbating these last few years? Time was when you used to get to get to bed a girl and the very last thing she would do was start flicking the bean right there in front of you. Or at least that was the Tuppence-licker’s experience. Maybe I was just too damn good at fucking for any chick to need to bring herself off as well! J But I suspect it’s more to do with women becoming more and more confident in bed. At one point there was no way you’d see women using sex toys – in porn or elsewhere – to jerk off with. Now you can barely click on a porno image without seeing some young, hard-bodied cutie or other sticking some brightly-coloured plastic up her vadge. Man, things have changed…

Go On Girl. Have A Good Fiddle!

Not that the old TL is complaining. Far from it. There’s nothing – and I do mean nothing – that turns me on more than seeing a girl indulging in an uninhibited wanking session right there in front of my eyes. That level of sexual liberation gives me the right horn, which in turn simply gives you the excuse of having a wee tug yourself just so the poor girl doesn’t feel lonely!

One of the horniest female wanking experiences I ever had was when a girl brought herself off under the table in the back room of a pub. It was summer time and it was hot. She was wearing a skimpy little dress and the sheerest panties. There was no one inside the little country boozer, because everyone was out in the beer garden catching rays. I was more interested in catching sight of pussy, though, and the girl I was with was dripping wet and horny at the thought of having a wank with the possibility that she just might get caught. There was no one in the room when she pulled her panties to one side and quickly slid a couple of fingers inside her pussy. I don’t know whether it was the fact that she was already so turned-on, or whether she was shitting herself in case someone came back in, because it didn’t take more than 20 seconds before she was stifling a groan as she came. The Tuppence-licker had one of the biggest hard-ons of his life, of course, having been treated to the sight of this top bird putting on a private wanking show just for him. The only downside of the whole short escapade, of course, was that I was left with a stiffy and nowhere to stick it. But I wasn’t exactly about to complain at how I was being treated, was I? So like the generous-spirited soul I am I simply supped at my cider and waited for the dick to calm down.

Lady masturbation? As you can see I’m all in favour. And if you’ll excuse me I think I’d best go check out exactly what I like so much about it again…

There’s always somebody somewhere trying to put a stop to your fun. You know, everything that gives you a little bit of pleasure is going to cause you harm. Booze and fags? Right out of the window. Greasy foods? Definite no-no. But there’s one area of male pleasure where it seems no-one can make their fucking minds up.

But There’s No Mention Of Whether It’s Bad For Women!

‘Masturbation cuts cancer risk’ trumpeted one headline I found on Google while doing a bit of surfing. ‘Aha, this sounds interesting,’ said the Tuppence-licker to himself, carefully folding his cock away and putting it in his pocket. And this from the BBC, no less…

“Men could reduce their risk of developing prostate cancer through regular masturbation, researchers suggest,” ran the piece. “They say cancer-causing chemicals could build up in the prostate if men do not ejaculate regularly. And they say sexual intercourse may not have the same protective effect because of the possibility of contracting a sexually transmitted infection, which could increase men’s cancer risk.” Well halle-bloody-lujah! At last some good news for those of us who are looking to snatch a few brief moments of pleasure in a tricky old world. Pants away and cocks at the fore!

But wait a minute. A quick scan down the search results for ‘masturbation cancer risk’ and what the fuck am I seeing? ‘Masturbation may increase risk of prostate cancer’.

“A new study finds men who are sexually active in their 20s and 30s are more likely to develop prostate cancer — especially if they masturbate frequently,” claims this report. I let go of my dick… “The message, perhaps: Hold off until middle age. The study also found that frequent sexual activity in a man’s 40s appears to have little effect and even small levels of sexual activity in a man’s 50s could offer protection from the disease. Most of the differences were attributed to masturbation rather than sexual intercourse.”

Damn! Just when I thought that the coast was clear and that I could jerk off for fun while claiming it was all in the name of prevention. Now there’s some bastard telling me that everything I know is wrong! What the fuck?

So what I need to know in simple, clear and precise terms is whether all the wanking I’ve done since I was a youngster is going to kill me or cure me? It seems such a simple request and yet at the end of the day nobody really seems able to give me a definitive answer.

Now of course I’m always more inclined to believe the report that gives me the good news. After all, I’m a ‘glass half full’ kind of guy. And the good news came from the BBC, which surely has to be the most reputable source of information. But then if I’m wrong, shouldn’t I be cutting out the daily wank in the same way that I’ve cut out the double espresso? Tricky call. Maybe at the end of the day I should just listen to the king of all wry comment, Mr. Randy Newman, who summed it up all so beautifully once when he said, “everything gives you cancer”.